One Sad Mommy

Another reason I haven't blogged in a very long time... I am just sad. I want this to be a happy blog, a blog to reflect on this wonderful life I have but lately I am just plain sad. As most of you know I work nights, I work 40 or more hours a week and I feel like I miss so much. My kids hate that I work and I swear Bry wants to kill me some nights. I know most Moms that have to work outside the home feel this way but it's worse now than it is ever been. I am sure that it has to do with almost losing Bryan a couple months ago and that I spent a lot of time away from work. Ella is almost 8; I can't believe that, how fast time flies only adds to my panic.
A little over a year ago I lost my Sister in law to cancer. I have had her 2 youngest a couple of days over the last few weeks and I can't help but be sad. I wonder what they are going through; what they think, how they feel. We went to Wheeler Farm and did the Halloween thing and I had them on Halloween day and did 4 crazy girls, well 5 crazy girls (me) hair and makeup... it was out of control and fantastic but my mind kept going back to Shari and how amazing she was and this is not how it should be. I miss her and I miss her more and more during these wonderful times I get with her girls and with my girls. Last fall when Shari was battling cancer and I was trying to process that this was actually happening because it was so wrong... Not Shari she is so good, she loved everyone and everyone just fell in love with her at first sight... she gave the best hugs. Anyways, I would go for these long runs and play the same song over and over again and cry:

Pray God you can cope.
I stand outside this woman's work,
This woman's world.
Ooh, it's hard on the man,
Now his part is over.
Now starts the craft of the father.

I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.

I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking

Of all the things I should've said,
That I never said.
All the things we should've done,
Though we never did.
All the things I should've given,
But I didn't.

Oh, darling, make it go,
Make it go away.
Give me these moments back.
Give them back to me.
Give me that little kiss.
Give me your hand.

I know I have just rambled here but I want to end on a happy note. I truly love my family so much it breaks my heart into tiny little pieces. Bryan for letting me be who I am and for not leaving me. Ella you are my light and my comfort, your peace is so wonderful. Brooklynn Rose you are my star, my comedian, my tornado. Kaden my new little monkey, you bring me new possibilities.
I know I have rambled and I am feeling so very sappy I promise next post will be happy and full of pictures!